...climbed that big mango tree in my grandfather’s DPL quarter. My mother looking for me all over the house but in vain. My cousins and I, sitting huddled up around grandma and listen to ghost stories in those stormy dark nights. Playing with kalu and Bholu(My grandfather's pet roadatians). Force feeding them. Giving them baths. The wait for Poila Baishak. ( Bengali New year). The thrill of getting new clothes. Me and my cousins fighting over which dress which one of us would take.
Fighting battles with daddy. Playing the brave soldier. Travelling on his shoulders and feeling like the princess. Feeling the warmth of his hug. Using a camera for the first time. Making daddy pose like a model. My first Diwali. Lighting a cracker, while daddy holds my hand steady…
Requesting grandpa to get our favourite biscuits. Stealing raw mango pickles on a hot summer afternoon. Going to Durgapur barrage during monsoon and watching the water roar and rage as the gates of the barrage were opened. Shouting in the wind and hearing our voices crack. Getting drenched in the rain and doing that awkward dance with my parents watching. The first taste of the hot tea and feeling all grown up.
Holding my new born brother in my hands. Looking at his extremely tiny fingers and toes and wondering if he is human. Watching him sleep. Feeding him at times. Holding that tiny feeding bottle in my hand as he sucks at it. Looking at him with wonder. Feeling his tiny fingers curling around mine as he falls asleep. Feeling that first tinge of jealousy, on realising that I will have to share my mommy and daddy.
My first day at school. Wearing that white and blue uniform and going to school, holding daddy’s hand. My first class teacher, Ms. Disilva. Her kind eyes. soft hands, patting my cheek. My first friend in school. The first time I share my tiffin with someone. My first medal in sports. The first time I perform on stage, with make up on.
Romping over MAMC township with my cousin. Learning to swim. Making up stories for each other. Going out for picnics. Cooking our first lunch. Building a tent for ourselves. Learning to ride a cycle. Falling down, scrapping our knees. Consoling each other. Staying awake all night and giggling over silly things. Starting to write our first journals...
My first love. That thrill of going to meet him secretly. My first pillion bike ride. The smell of those letters. My first rose, my first secret trip. The first puff of a cigarette. Stealing money from daddy’s wallet to buy the love a birthday gift. First heart break. First tears for someone who meant a lot. Realising for the first time that love is a chimera and it passes…
My first trip on a plane. Feeling that first rumble in the stomach as the plane takes off. Looking at the clouds from so close. My first view of the mountains. My first trek up the Khardungla Pass. The first sip of Whisky with daddy on a cold night in Ladakh...
My first trip on a plane. Feeling that first rumble in the stomach as the plane takes off. Looking at the clouds from so close. My first view of the mountains. My first trek up the Khardungla Pass. The first sip of Whisky with daddy on a cold night in Ladakh...
First day in college. Feeling grown up. Staying away from home. Taking up responsibilities, making mistakes. Learning from them. Losing my heart again. Meeting some wonderful teachers. Getting the wonderful opportunity of celebrating my 20th birthday with a teacher singing to me on a silent night in the hills. Joining the SFI. Going on marches. Standing for the students’ union elections. Winning it. Becoming the Class representative. Being a senior. Convincing juniors to vote for SFI. Attending meetings. The first puff of Marijuana. Getting drunk getting stoned. Being irresponsible. Learning from the mistakes. Promising never to walk that path again.
My first view of the Chennai sea. Connecting with him. Falling in love with nature. first road trip with my friends. Exploring new places. The first joy of sitting with someone on the rocks by the shore and sipping beer, looking at the moon. First time in Auroville. Experiencing the peace of mind. My first job. That first smell of money earned by myself. Giving someone something with my own money. The first joy of financial independence. Setting up my own flat. First failure. First setback. That sense of losing everything... Facing a blockade... Starting from the start again.
My first view of the Chennai sea. Connecting with him. Falling in love with nature. first road trip with my friends. Exploring new places. The first joy of sitting with someone on the rocks by the shore and sipping beer, looking at the moon. First time in Auroville. Experiencing the peace of mind. My first job. That first smell of money earned by myself. Giving someone something with my own money. The first joy of financial independence. Setting up my own flat. First failure. First setback. That sense of losing everything... Facing a blockade... Starting from the start again.
Watching myself growing up. Standing in front of the mirror at the age of 23 and promising to be responsible and serious. Looking back and laughing at my own silly self, smiling at the good old memories and trying to bury the horrid past. After all it is all about letting go and moving on… doing new things and creating fonder memories…
2 comments:
One of the more beautiful posts of yours Sriranjani.. One of those posts which doesn't need a topic or a lesson to teach. You just let your thoughts and memories flow. It made me stop for a while along my meaninglessly busy days and nights these days, and reflect over my own years which have disappeared without a trace. But thankfully, every 'first' in our lives are one of those few precious memories that stay fresh forever in our minds. Its the sheer thrill of trying out those new things or adventures, the consequences of which we have no idea about, makes it all the more special.
Its a pity that more often than not that our past always brings more despair and regret than positive feelings. May be that's how our feelings work. Else, as you said, it makes you sit back and reflect on things that we did wrong or it just didn't work out for us somehow, and gives us the motivation to move on and amend those slip ups wherever possible..
Requesting you to read a post of mine which I wrote along slightly similar lines quite a few yrs back. You might know Tanmoyda better than me. He regularly used to comment on my posts. Have lost touch with him a bit.
http://arnabloveslife.blogspot.in/2008/11/visit-to-madhusaala.html
The first time you do something new is a really wonderful experience. Yes, holding your new born brother in your arms for the first time and wondering whether he was a human being is actually a really beautiful experience. I can actually see you, a little girl, holding your brother in your arms, your brother's eyes closed, and you looking at him in wonder. I can see the new born, eyes closed, little fingers, a little bit of hair on the scalp, and you holding him in a very protective way in your arms. You, a very happy girl to have a brother!
I also remember some beautiful things. I remember the first time my dad took me to a pond to teach me swimming, and I started crying aloud when he started taking me into deep water. I was almost dead with fear, and wondered why daddy wanted to kill me. I used to feel he was such a bad man - he was making me cry and frightening me! Now I laugh when I recall that.
I recall the first day when I forced my mother to let me go to school on my bicycle. It was so much fun. I was probably in class 5 at that time, and I was so happy that day because the school bus broke down that day. After that I always used to go to school on my bicycle. I also remember those days when I used to race on the roads with scooters and buses. There was so less traffic those days!
I remember the first day when daddy taught me to ride the scooter. I faltered the first few times with the gears, and then I learnt things so easily. Which reminds me of that day when I saw you struggling with the scooter the first time. :) The first time when my dad allowed to me to drive the scooter on a road is a memorable day for me. My dad was sitting on the pillion, and I was so tensed that I almost had an accident.
I bought a tie with my first salary. That first salary! It gave me a sense of independence, a feeling that I would not have to ask my dad for money. It also brought within me a sense of responsibility - I would have to take care of my parents from now on. Their part of taking care of me was over! It was a strange feeling, and it happens only once. You cannot feel it for a second time. Again, it feels good to give back to your parents. That is also one wonderful feeling!
But not all first time things are good. There can be horrible memories also. That day still haunts me when I had an accident with my mother on the pillion, and I saw her literally escaping death - I saw it with my eyes. I became so confused at that time that I did not know what to do after that, and I started crying. She got injured in the head and was admitted in a hospital. She stayed there for 3 days. Before that I knew that I would lose my parents one day, but that day I realized the sense of loss. What if I lost my mother there on the road? It still haunts me like an evil spirit.
First time incidents always have a great impact. Their memories can make you laugh, or else they make you repent throughout your life.
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